Losing Yourself in Motherhood
Reviewed by Dr. Sanam Shamtobi, PhD, PMH-C
Losing Yourself in Motherhood (Matrescence)
You used to know who you were.
You had opinions about restaurants. You had hobbies. You had thoughts that didn't revolve around nap schedules, feeding windows, and whether the baby's poop looked normal. You had a name that wasn't "Mom."
And then, somewhere between the sleepless nights and the identity-erasing exhaustion, you looked in the mirror and thought: *Who am I anymore?*
Maybe it hit you in the grocery store, standing in an aisle, unable to remember what you came for — and suddenly realizing you couldn't remember the last time you did something just for *you*. Maybe it hit you when someone asked about your interests and your mind went blank. Maybe it's a low hum that follows you everywhere: the feeling that the person you used to be is gone, and you don't know if she's coming back.
If this is you — you're not broken. You're not ungrateful. And you're definitely not alone.
What you're going through has a name. Researchers call it matrescence — the developmental transition of becoming a mother. And it's as profound as adolescence, except nobody warned you it was coming.
What Is Matrescence?
Matrescence is a term coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s and brought back into the spotlight by reproductive psychiatrist Dr. Alexandra Sacks. It describes the complete psychological, emotional, and identity transformation that happens when you become a mother.
Think about it: during adolescence, your body changes, your brain rewires, your relationships shift, and you have an identity crisis. Society expects all of that. There are books about it, school counselors for it, entire cultural rituals around it.
When you become a mother? The same level of transformation happens — sometimes even more dramatically — and society expects you to just... figure it out. With a smile. While also being a great partner, maintaining your career, and looking put-together.
Matrescence isn't a disorder. It's a normal developmental stage. But just because it's normal doesn't mean it's easy. And just because other mothers look like they have it together doesn't mean they're not quietly going through the same thing.
What Losing Yourself in Motherhood Actually Feels Like
This isn't just "mom brain" or being tired. This is deeper. It shows up as:
An identity crisis you didn't expect
Looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person staring back
Not knowing what you like anymore — your taste in music, your goals, your sense of humor all feel foreign
Feeling like "mom" has consumed every other part of who you are
Missing your old self — your old body, your old freedom, your old spontaneity
Guilt for missing those things (shouldn't you be fulfilled by motherhood alone?)
Feeling invisible
Your partner, your family, and the world see you as "the mom" now — not as a whole person
Conversations revolve around the baby, never about you
Feeling like your needs are always last — and like that's just how it has to be
Friends without kids drifting away because your lives don't overlap anymore
A confusing mix of love and loss
Loving your child fiercely while grieving the life you had before
Feeling guilty for not being "grateful enough"
Moments of deep joy followed by waves of sadness or emptiness
Wondering if wanting more from life makes you a bad mom
The mental load nobody sees
Carrying every detail of the household in your head — appointments, grocery lists, school forms, emotional temperature of every family member
Feeling like the "default parent" for every decision, every crisis, every forgotten thing
Resentment building because the invisible work is never acknowledged
Exhaustion that sleep alone can't fix
Career and ambition confusion
Not knowing if you want to go back to work, stay home, or do something entirely different
Guilt in every direction — guilt for working, guilt for not working, guilt for wanting more
Feeling like your brain doesn't work the way it used to
Watching peers advance while you feel stuck or sidelined
Wondering if you'll ever feel ambitious again — or if you even want to
If you're nodding along to this list, take a breath. This is matrescence. And there is a way through it that doesn't involve losing yourself permanently.
You're Not the Only One Feeling This Way
Here's what social media won't show you: almost every mother goes through some version of this. The moms who look like they have it all figured out? Many of them are lying awake at 3 a.m. wondering the same things you are.
Research on matrescence shows:
The transition to motherhood involves brain changes as significant as those during puberty — your brain is literally rewiring itself
Identity disruption is the norm, not the exception — studies show most new mothers experience some degree of identity loss
The "mental load" is real and measurable — mothers carry a disproportionate share of cognitive labor, and it contributes to burnout and resentment
The timeline is long — matrescence isn't a six-week recovery. It can unfold over months or years, with each child bringing new layers
You haven't failed at motherhood. You're in the middle of one of the most complex psychological transitions a human can go through — and our culture gives you almost zero tools for navigating it.
When Does This Cross the Line Into Something More?
Matrescence is a normal transition. But sometimes, the feelings of loss, sadness, or disconnection are signs of something that needs more focused support, like postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety.
It's worth reaching out to a professional if:
The sadness or emptiness doesn't lift, even on good days
You feel disconnected from your baby or have trouble bonding
You've lost interest in everything — not just pre-baby hobbies, but everything
You're having thoughts of harming yourself
The anger or resentment feels uncontrollable
You're using alcohol, food, or scrolling to numb the feelings
There's no sharp line between "normal matrescence" and "I need help." If it feels like too much, that's enough of a reason to reach out.
How Therapy Helps You Find Yourself Again
Therapy for matrescence isn't about going back to who you were before kids. (Spoiler: that person has evolved.) It's about building a version of yourself that integrates motherhood with everything else that makes you *you.*
Here's what therapy at The Mother Hood looks like for this:
Exploring who you're becoming
We help you move beyond "I've lost myself" to "I'm becoming someone new." That shift doesn't happen overnight, but it starts with having space to explore who you want to be — not just who everyone else needs you to be.
Reclaiming your needs
Somewhere along the way, you learned that good moms put themselves last. We challenge that. Your needs aren't selfish — they're essential. We help you identify what you need and practice asking for it without guilt.
Processing the grief
Yes, grief. You're allowed to grieve your old life, your old body, your old freedom — even while loving your child. Holding both things at once isn't a contradiction. It's honest.
Addressing the mental load
We help you see the invisible labor you're carrying, name it, and figure out how to redistribute it. This often involves conversations with your partner — and we can support that through individual therapy or couples therapy.
Rebuilding connection
To yourself, to your partner, to your friends, to work, to the things that used to light you up. Matrescence can make you feel disconnected from everything. Therapy helps you rebuild those bridges, one at a time.
What Treatment Looks Like at The Mother Hood
Therapists who specialize in matrescence and maternal identity — we don't just understand postpartum depression. We understand the full spectrum of what motherhood does to your sense of self.
Telehealth throughout California — attend sessions during nap time, from your car, or wherever you can carve out 50 minutes of space
In-person at our Brentwood office — a warm, beautiful space that feels nothing like a clinical office
Group therapy — sometimes the most healing thing is being in a room (virtual or otherwise) with other moms who actually get it. Our group therapy sessions create that community.
No performance required — you don't have to show up showered, put-together, or positive. Come as you are.
We also recommend checking out our blog posts on identity shifts in motherhood and the mental load for more reading on this topic.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel like I've lost myself after having a baby?
Yes. What you're experiencing is called matrescence — a developmental transition as significant as adolescence. Nearly every mother goes through some version of this. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means you're going through a massive life change without much cultural support.
What is matrescence?
Matrescence is the psychological, emotional, and identity transformation that happens when you become a mother. The term was coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael and popularized by Dr. Alexandra Sacks. It includes brain changes, identity shifts, relationship changes, and emotional upheaval — all of which are normal, even if they don't feel like it.
How is this different from postpartum depression?
Matrescence is a normal developmental process. Postpartum depression is a clinical condition that involves persistent sadness, hopelessness, and difficulty functioning. They can overlap — and if you're unsure which you're experiencing, that's exactly what therapy can help you figure out.
I had my baby years ago and still feel this way. Is it too late for help?
Not at all. Matrescence doesn't follow a timeline. Some women don't fully feel the identity shift until their child is a toddler, starts school, or they go back to work. And some carry unprocessed feelings for years. It's never too late to work through this.
Will therapy help me feel like "myself" again?
It might not bring back the exact person you were before — because you've changed, and that's okay. But therapy will help you reconnect with the parts of yourself that feel lost, integrate motherhood into a fuller sense of identity, and feel like a whole person again. Most clients describe it as becoming a new, more complete version of themselves.
My partner doesn't understand what I'm going through. Can therapy help with that?
Yes. Sometimes the disconnect between partners during matrescence is about communication — and sometimes it's deeper. Individual therapy can help you articulate what you need, and couples therapy can help you work through it together.
Do I have to bring my baby to sessions?
You're welcome to — but you don't have to. Telehealth makes it easy to attend during nap time. And if you come in person, our space is baby-friendly. Whatever works for you.
You Haven't Lost Yourself. You're in the Middle of Becoming.
Matrescence is one of the most profound transitions a person goes through — and one of the least supported. But you don't have to navigate it alone, and you don't have to choose between being a good mom and being a whole person.
At The Mother Hood, we help you hold both. The love and the loss. The gratitude and the grief. The mom you are and the person you're still becoming.
*The information on this page is for educational purposes only and does not replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, please call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), call 911, or go to your nearest emergency room.*